oh that laser rain kept me up all night again

You're hurting me. You're perfectly aware of our situation, my feelings, my perspective, and yet you won't change your mind. By doing what you think is right for me, you're hurting me, and I'm shattering.

I can't really say I understand your side in this. You tell me that being official will apparently make a huge impact on me when you leave or if things go badly overseas. But honestly? You've already impacted my life in the biggest way imaginable. We're in a relationship, just unofficially, and you know it. We go to the movies and we cuddle and kiss and we tell each other that we love the other and we hold hands and have jokes and I draw you pictures in chalk on Del Prado and drive ten hours to see you graduate and you drive a couple hundred miles to see me at school and you're always there for me and we call each other up in the middle of the night when we need it most and we talk about Husky puppies and I talk to you while you're walking Josh so he'll go to sleep at night and we share Transformers and you're coming over for Christmas dinner and we talk about our future. And yet you're not willing to commit to me, because you think it'll hurt me more than what you're doing? It kills me that when someone asks what's going on between us that I can't simply say "we're dating" and that when I brag about you to legitimately every person I meet I have to say it's my friend in the Army, not my boyfriend, and that I really don't have the right to tell your ex girlfriend or former friend turned love sick stalker to back off when she's hitting on you because without a title I really have no claim on you. So having a title wouldn't hurt me more when you leave. It's hurting me not having that title. Because either way I'm waiting for you. I told you I would keep waiting, and I have yet to break a promise to you.

You asked what kind of a relationship we would have if we did this before you left. I didn't have an answer last night but I've got one now. We'd have a strong one. And it'd be strong because if we could survive a few years of deployments and months upon months of separation and keeping us alive through letters, there wouldn't be much that could break us apart after that. And if we didn't succeed while you were away, we could leave things where they were before and try again when you were home, re-upping as a drill sergeant. All I'm asking for is a chance, a chance to try giving us a shot. Because we've been waiting. And I don't want to keep waiting, Matt. I'm tired of waiting.

And you may think that telling me you were in love with me was what caused all this, but it's not. This was in motion long before you told me that because I've loved you longer than that, and I've been wanting this for a while.

But because it's you, I will break my number one rule, the rule I haven't broken since I made this promise to myself. If this is the most that I'll get from you for now, I'll take it. For the first time in years, I'm going to settle for less than what I want or deserve, and I'm going to take what it is that you're offering, and no more. Because I love you, and I'm willing to wait.

I'll settle.

sometimes i want to doubt myself

Please understand, I am not ungrateful. I recognize what I have, I understand it's physical worth, I appreciate that I am not without it. When I say it isn't enough, I don't mean I want more money, a bigger house, better food, etc. I mean there are things that my parents can't buy, that a job will not yield, that I seem to be incapable of acquiring. I want those things. And because I don't have them, I am sad.

I realize now that my past two relationships meant so much because not only was there always someone to turn to, someone to talk to and hang out with, but there were experiences and things to learn. My partners had separate lives and I was lucky enough to be let in and get to experience parts of them. I got to hear new stories and traditions, learn about new hobbies and activities, schools of thought, feelings.

Alone, I am left to rehash my childhood and recent experiences. And in especially desperate times, I recall aspects of other peoples' lives. It isn't because I don't appreciate my life, but because I already know it.

Some might say that without a significant other, one must rely more heavily on friends. Ordinarily, I would agree. But having friends who are in relationships means they are not as dependent on my company as I am on theirs. It's absolutely understandable and I hold no grudges, I am only sad to be alone. To have found so few people with similar tastes in life and to have those few only sometimes as eager to see me as I am them.

Outside of the realm of sex and typical relationship mush, I just want a partner in crime. Someone to feed off of, who will feed off of me, until we're both so engorged with each other that we're forced to just lay on the ground and let our round, grubby fingers rest on top of each others.

Someone come with me. Somewhere. I'll have ideas and you'll have ideas and we'll have ideas together and raise a family of them until they're real plans and actual experiences.

I'm starving for these things and no one, it sometimes seems, understands.

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I feel useless. A waste of space and oxygen.

The past two nights I've faced that paranoia and insanity that plagued me for the majority of 2008. I thought I'd grown and learned how to fight off such weaknesses but apparently I'm not quite that recovered.

The last time I felt this way I packed my bags and drove to Virginia to get away from everything and everyone. It helped immensely but I can't take 3 weeks of mental health days whenever things aren' going my way.

Perhaps it's time I break down and start seeing a counselor.

To add to my problems in an attempt to lessen them, I'm quitting smoking again.

I don't know where I'd be without you.

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